Straight from my Iphone notes app, this was my unfiltered stream of consciousness as I watched Netflix’s Outer Banks for the first time…enjoy.
Ah. Another shitty but fun Netflix nostalgia-baiting, teen drama masterpiece.
My dumb ass spent the first half hour thinking it was set in the 70s and just had really bad period piece indiscrepancies with the props, costume and dialogue.
This John. B guy looks like T.K from Shortland Street’s pakeha cousin. He also looks like we would have been a famous Vine fuckboy in 2014.
The beach fight scene has heavy Luke Ward vs. Ryan Atwood ‘Welcome to The O.C bitch!‘ vibes.
This whole show reminds me of The Last Song and I’m not sure why. It’s probably the Nicholas Sparks-y Carolina Coast setting and the bland, kinda dumb blonde dude best friend who’s only personality traits are standing at the prow of the boat, holding a Bud Lite and saying shit like ‘Come on, man! Don’t be a pussy, bro!’. Also the turtles hatching gave me flashbacks to Ronnie’s dad collapsing on the beach in The Last Song…BRB gonna go cry in private.
The environmentalist chick would be more interesting/effective if she said way less expositional, on-the-nose lines about how she’s an environmentalist.
I know there’s an incredibly outdated caste system but what is a Pogue? What is a Kook? They never explained where these fucking weird names came from. Also rich girl Sarah’s boyfriend is called Topper. Also Sarah has a boring name however her brother has the name Rafe. I’m bemused. I would like to know why.
I think it’s really funny how the Pogue guys have been ‘dirtied up’ and look super scraggly, as if they can’t afford to shower. I guess always being covered in a semi-sheer layer of dirt is a prerequisite for adventurous, free spirited beach bums with chill vibes. However, as I was typing this Kiara’s dad literally said ‘you hang out with trash, you’re gonna get dirty‘…Outer Banks is so self-aware.
I wanted to sob when those Kook Chads attacked Pope…
I mean they are literally the definition of Chads though, the loafers are there in spirit:
Why are John, JJ, Pope and Kiara laughing casually when they nearly all just got fucking murdered by two grown men with semiautomatic weapons?
I’m still processing the fact that his name is John. B. I don’t know of anyone under the age of 40 that is called John.
This goofy treasure hunt reminds me of The Famous Five. Enid Blyton is so jealous.
Do these children go to school? Or is that an inconvenience to the plot?
I really want to own that Kook Playboy boat.
The title font is like a surf brand logo from 2004. I love it.
Sarah is dating a guy that looks exactly like her brother. I keep getting confused about who is who. Sigmund Freud is thrilled I bet.
I love that 2010 Forever 21 sponsored this show. Kiara is literally wearing a top that says ‘happiness comes in waves’. Why is Netflix always at least 5 years behind fashion trends?
Sarah just deadpan said the words ‘Did you just yeet over that chain?’. I want to pass away from secondhand embarrassment for her.
The organic banter between the characters is really growing on me. It improves the show’s quality immensely.
I have never been more stressed in my entire life than during the scene where John. B is down in the well and the blind old lady is trying to kill all of them.
In hindsight, I can’t find any evidence that this was ever said on the show…I don’t even remember who said it. Perhaps I made it up. But I hated this line so much that I cackled loudly in shock: ‘Look, love just walked in, okay!!!‘
Kiara slaps John. B and he slaps her back. Equal rights for all!
This particular line was to be expected, as it is featured in every single beachy American teen drama (despite no self-respecting teenager having ever saying anything of the sort in real life): ‘This summer was meant to be legendary!‘. But that doesn’t mean it didn’t annoy me to hear it.
But this menacing line from the drug dealer is amazing: ‘What’s up Country Club! Wassup!‘. It’s true. If Rafe was to have any other name, it would be Country Club.
John. B and Sarah just had sex to musical backdrop of The Raft by Fat Freddy’s Drop. This is incredibly exciting, not because I care about their vanilla ass relationship, but because New Zealand music is so fucking underrated and takes all the small wins it can get on the global stage.
Personally, I love the OTT hot tub scene. Took his sweet time, but at this point JJ has finally become a substantial character that is interesting and layered.
John. B literally fell off this giant structure and only got a broken wrist. John. B also shoved Sarah’s evil dad into a couch cushion during a life of death fight, thought that sufficiently disarmed him, and made a break for it…whilst on a boat, with no where to run to except the ocean. hilarious. There is no plausible reason that this boy is still alive.
I know that ‘Pogue’s can’t mack on other Pogues‘ (questioning this show’s tendency to use dated slang one minute and 2019 internet meme slang the next) but earnest and sensitive Pope deserves someone who doesn’t yell at him and make him feel like total shit for catching feelings. Kiara’s incredibly negative tirade about how she is destined for bigger things, aka. Antarctica and Camel rides (a true eco warrior would not condone abusive tourism activities) really pissed me off. JJ and Kiara make a lot more sense to me, with their clear sexual tension, argumentative banter and that lovely hug in the spa pool. Here’s a compilation of their rapport, and a drippy fan video dedicated to their ship that uses my favourite Timbaland song:
I love the ska background music.
Is it just me, or did it they make it seem like Sheriff Peterkin was going to survive as she was being wheeled into hospital? Her fate is not really mentioned for a while, and it’s only when Rafe asks Ward whether he did in fact successfully murder her, that we find out she’s been dead for a hot minute. I think they took who shot the sheriff? a bit literally, but the way they kept slipping that line into the dialogue was funny.
Why is Ward wearing the exact same blue shirt in every scene despite time jumps? You’d think with all that wealth he’d have a more diverse wardrobe.
Rafe is actually a really brilliant actor!
One big question: How did Scooter’s wife know John. B’s dad died on the island when her husband didn’t surive the journey home to inform her of this?
Just finished the finale and still wondering why none of them had school to go to 
Unfortunately, my insightful, gripping commentary stopped here.
Final verdict:
It took me a while to work this out, but I finally know how to describe Outer Bank’s thematic/aesthetic essence: The O.C, meets Dawson’s Creek, meets The Last Song, meets The Famous Five, meets Bloodline. During the 3 consecutive days it took me to consume the entire season, I was very invested in this corny, fun, genre-fusing teen drama. I dare you to endure the first few clumsy episodes. After that, I feel it starts to find it’s own feet, and all of the chaotic elements begin to gel together more effortlessly. Pretty much any teen drama veteran should add Outer Banks to their repertoire.
Overall, it’s a worthy distraction.
